Ass Talk

屁话连篇

By Leo and Ms. Mae

Vocabulary: "a hole in a wall", wiseass, butt kisser, a pain in the ass, butt in, kick one's ass, jackass, not know to wipe one's own ass, to cover one's asshole, up to one's throat, bust one's ass to do sth., big honcho, put one's ass on the firing line, morass, a kick-ass job, backbreaker,

Xiao Ming and Xiao Hong are having dinner at “a hole in a wall.”

Xiao Ming: This tastes like ass.

Xiao Hong: That’s because you are eating a chicken ass. I thought you liked them.

Xiao Ming: Don’t be such a wiseass. How was your day?

Xiao Hong: It was crummy.

Xiao Ming: What happened?

Xiao Hong: I’ve told you about immediate boss, the one with the big fat buttocks, she is a real two-faced bitch. She has been shoving all her work on me and grabbing all the credit from the big boss. She is such a butt kisser!

Xiao Ming: I didn’t know she was such a pain in the ass for you!

Xiao Hong: What’s more, she butts into whatever I do, pretending to be helpful and friendly, all the time trying to make points for herself. When I watch her waggle her fat behind around, it makes me want to kick her in the fanny. Oh, let’s forget it. Tell me about your day.

Xiao Ming: Well, mine sucked. You know that jackass on my team who doesn’t even know how to wipe his own ass? He mixed up all the files that are due and I will have to cover his asshole. Besides that I am up to my throat in my own assignments, so I’ve got to bust ass to get all of them done by Friday, or else the big honcho will put my ass on the firing line. How do we get ourselves out of this morass?

Xiao Hong: You know, you really have a kick-ass job that many people would kill for.

Xiao Ming: Yours isn’t such a backbreaker, either. I always thought that you have a cushy position.

Xiao Hong: I guess the truth is, we are really better off than most people. Our complaints don’t compare to most others. So we should thank our lucky stars that we even have jobs.

Vocabulary Explanations:

屁股的别称：
ass, buttocks, butts, tush, cheeks, fanny, rear, rear end, behind, posterior...

a hole in a wall
简陋的小饭店

to taste/look/smell like ass
很难吃/看/闻

wiseass
自作聪明的人

ass/butt kisser
阿谀奉承之徒

a pain in the ass
令人讨厌的人或物

butt in
干涉别人的事

kick one's ass; put some's ass on the (firing) line/sling; chew up one's ass
教训某人一顿

jackass
混蛋

who cannot wipe his own ass
没用的人，傻子

to cover one's asshole
为别人收拾烂摊子

be up to one's throat
忙不过来

bust ass to do sth.
忙个不停

a kick-ass job
很不错的工作

backbreaker
非常累人的活

Some Mind-blowing Theories On The Zhu Haiyang Case

雷人的理论，朱海洋是间谍还是邪教？

By Leo and Ms. Mae

Vocabulary: mind-blowing, Good Samaritan, mammonish girl, gold digger, brain damaged, blown away, voodoo, crime of passion, to the gills

Xiao Hong: Have you heard of the senseless killing at Virginia Tech? A Chinese graduate student decapitated a female Chinese student who arrived in the U.S. less than a month ago.

Xiao Ming: Sure, who hasn't? It's really a insane case. Why would the guy kill a girl he barely knew in such a ruthless manner? In addition, the guy doesn't even look like the killer type.

Xiao Hong: Why not? Isn't it obvious? The guy hits on the girl and the girl turns him down. The guy gets upset and then kills her. Why did the guy pick up the girl at the airport and accommodate her at his place? You think he is just a Good Samaritan? No, he was after the girl. Look now how people are trashing the girl on the internet, saying she was a mammonish girl, a gold digger. The world is totally upside down!

Xiao Ming: I can't believe the case is this simple. No guy would kill a girl just because she turned him down. They've only known each other a few weeks. The guy was definitely not insane, according to his friends. On the contrary, he's said to be sort of a nice guy?

Xiao Hong: Come on, it's called a crime of passion? A man can do anything when he loses his mind.

Xiao Ming: But they weren't even arguing before he killed her. He had a kitchen knife hidden on him. Oh, for Christ's sakes. It was definitely premeditated.

Xiao Hong: Well, he's lost money in the stock market; he was warned by his advisor and he was turned down by this girl? He was stressed to the gills? Wasn't that enough?

Xiao Ming: Not to me. Remember he decapitated the girl with a kitchen knife. You can't even break a rib with it.

Xiao Hong (seemed pissed off): OK, so what do you think happened?

Xiao Ming: There's got to be some bigger reason behind it, one he was willing to sacrifice his life for.

Xiao Hong (being sarcastic): Sacrifice his life for what? National interest?

Xiao Ming (looking serious): You are on the right track, try thinking deep, very deep? What was his major?

Xiao Hong: Agricultural Economics, so what the heck?

Xiao Ming: Right, it's probably something related to the farm or food security economics. Here's what might have happened. The guy was supposed to be a graduate student, but he really was a government spy. Let's say he acquired some information, very important, highly classified, a matter of national security. And the girl happened to discover his real identity or maybe the girl was also a spy. The guy had to kill the girl for his country. Remember he decapitated her. This guy is a pro! Besides, where are his roommates now? They must all be spies. The guy is sacrificing himself to cover his partners. I bet he never squeals.

Xiao Hong: Your theory really blows me away. You must be brain damaged. If he is a professional killer, why did he choose to do it in the cafe? He should have known how to do it more stealthily.

Xiao Ming (surprised) That's an interesting point. (thinking) Maybe they didn't work for the government. They both belonged to a secret organization, a secret cult or something. The girl betrayed the organization, and decapitation is a symbolic punishment. Yep, that must be it.

Xiao Hong: Please, Ming, wake up. I'd rather believe the guy was under a "voodoo" spell. Stop daydreaming. Save your creative thoughts on my gift for Valentine's Day. OK?

Xiao Ming: Whatever...

Vocabulary Explanations:

mind-blowing

雷人的

To be outraged, unthinkable, shocked, so surprised that it's unbelievable

Good Samaritan

活雷锋，英文这个词出自于圣经。

from the Bible story in Matthew where Jesus tells of the Samaritan (a race, not accepted by the Jews) who takes pity on a sick Jew and takes care of him and pays for his care.

mammonish girl/gold digger

拜金女，mammon是圣经里象征财富的恶灵

Someone who is interested only in monetary gain, prostitutes for money.

brain-damaged

脑残

blown away/swept away

雷倒，我晕之类的意思

shocked, overwhelmed, overcome

voodoo

邪术，虽然这个词与伏都教有关，但中国也有相似的迷信，a voodoo doll就是中国类似的打小人。

crime of passion

激情犯，一时冲动而犯的罪

up to the gills, up to the neck, up to the eyeballs

形容程度比较深

Example: I‘ve been up to the gills in work.

He’s up to the eyeballs trying to finish his paper.

The Many Ways To Describe “Poop”

“米田共”的n种说法

By Leo and Ms. Mae

Vocabulary: Shit, stool, bowel movement, feces, crap, dung, poop, dodo, poo poo, waste, excrement, excretion, diarrhea

(Xiao Ming is sitting on the toilet, in great pain)

Xiao Ming: Shit, the sixth time in two hours. (Cell phone rings.)

Xiao Hong: Ming! Where are you? Lulu is sick. I have to take her to the Vet. You have to come with us, so hurry!

Xiao Ming: Sorry, honey, I can’t. I am having diarrhea. I'm sitting on the toilet now. I’ve had the runs for hours.

Xiao Hong: Haven’t you used any medicine yet? I really need you to come. Lulu hasn't passed any stool/dodo for 3 days. Do you know what kind of pain she is in? Constipation can cause death if not treated in a timely manner. Don’t you have any idea how serious it could be?

Xiao Ming: You got to be kidding me! Do you know what I am going through right now? I can barely stand. She’s just a dog, a stupid dog!

Xiao Hong: What? Just a dog? Don’t you realize that she’s like my child? You treat her like a toy. You are so cold and uncaring.. My parents are so right. All I am to you is a flower on the dung/ manure heap.

Xiao Ming: Oh crap! You’re yelling at me because your dog can’t defecate? Here I’m dying of the runs and you‘re screaming because your little mutt can‘t have a bowel movement? What the crap is this world coming to?

(Xiao Hong starts to giggle.)

Xiao Ming: What? What’s so funny?

Xiao Hong: It’s just because I am so relieved. Lulu just pooped on the bed. As soon as I clean up her feces/excrement/waste, I’ll come over and wipe your ass and clean up your excretion even if my parents say you’re not good enough to wipe my dog’s behind.

Vocabulary Explanations:

Stool, bowel movement, feces, excrement, excretion
大便，粪便，排泄物，比较正规的说法
Something a doctor or medical lay people might use.
Examples: I will need a stool sample from you.
His bowel movement is stinky from infected food.
The dog’s feces must be cleaned up daily to avoid flies.

Diarrhea, runs
腹泻，拉肚子

Constipation, to be constipated
便秘

Poop, dodo
便便，哄小孩时说的话
Juvenile usage:
Examples: Usually, I tell the baby to poop on the stool.
Johnny tell me that he want to do poo poo or dodo.

Shit, crap
粗话
Colloquial or slang version
Examples: Whenever my father really gets mad, he says “shit”.
Whenever my father gets furious, he says the world is full of crap.

“Flower on the dung heap”
鲜花插在牛粪上，不过英语里是没有这一俗语的
Chinese expression meaning the lady is wasted on the man.

Dung
粪便，一般用语
General use: pile of manure

Defecate, crap, poop, shit
排泄，拉屎
These words can also be used as verbs to do.